Ulterior motives

I know I sometimes come off as though I think I'm an expert on parenting.  I don't think that.  How could I be?  I have one kid who is only 18 months old.  Perhaps I appear that way because I'm just an extremely conceited person.  I choose to think it's because as a stay-at-home parent, I want desperately to feel as though I am knowledgeable about something.

A few weeks ago I said I judged other moms for a few a things, one of them being have a cranky toddler out when it was clearly nap time.  I shouldn't have said that, both because I shouldn't judge, and because it didn't accurately express what I was trying to say.  I know that I can be judgmental, and I shouldn't be. I don't know the circumstances that cause a person to act a particular way, and I shouldn't pretend to understand them.  We all judge, but that doesn't make it right. I don't like being a judgmental person, and I want to change.  I want to set a better example for B.  My husband and I often discuss the fact that we don't want to screw him up too badly (working on the assumption that we are all screwed up in some way!)

Young children need naps.  Healthy sleep habits aid learning, decrease obesity, etc. Here's my confession: I'm not such a stickler about naps because it's good for B.  I want to be home for nap time because it's good for me.  If all he gets is a 20 minute snooze in the car we're both going to have a bad day.   Nap time is my time.  I spend part of it doing the housework and chores that are difficult when he is awake, and then try to spend some time doing something for me: writing this blog, reading, even answering e-mails.  There are going to be days when we're out and it's unavoidable, but I try to limit those, because it really is worth it to me to be home every afternoon.  When we're out for consecutive days, I get nothing done.  It's my sanity. 

I'm not an expert; I'm just figuring it out as I go along.  As a mom I truly appreciate hearing what has worked for other moms and I'm just hoping that what I learn can help someone else and that I can stimulate some discussion that can help us all.

I just want to be by myself right now!

When I worked in child care, I had these adorable cousins who already had a love-hate relationship at the age of 2.  Sometimes when the boy cousin was trying to play with her the girl cousin would say "I just want to be by myself right now!"  It was surprising coming out of the mouth of one so young, but I've thought about those toddlers many times when I wanted to shout the same thing.

As a camp counselor, especially to the elementary school set, I liked going to the bathroom because when I shut the stall door, I was all alone in those four particle-board walls.  I remember saying so to new staff, only to be looked at as though I had 6 heads.  I bet they understood by the end of the first week.  Little did I realize that as a mom, I don't even get to be alone when I go to the bathroom. 

A few times in the past week Ray has allowed B to run into the bathroom when I am showering.  That pitter-patter of his little feet and his little hands on the glass are so precious.  Still, I think, "shower time is supposed to be ME-time!"  For a few minutes I want to let the water run over me and relax, all alone in that glass cubicle.  These days I can't wash the dishes without having a little body squeeze his way between my legs and the cupboard.  I love him and I don't want to miss a thing, but  I need a little time to just be by myself and recharge.  To know he's safe with someone else who loves him.  To remember who I am.

Let kids be kids

I was at the mall last week, shortly after 1 pm, completing a return with a female employee who was my age or younger, when a grandmother walked by corralling a 3-year-old girl.  The grandmother said to us "let this be a lesson for you."  I can only assume that she meant "use a condom, kiddies" but I think there are other lessons to be learned.

I am far from a perfect parent, and B is not a perfect child (although the little stinker does know how to put it on for the grandparents), but a trip to the mall always makes me feel like I'm doing an awesome job. (Central PA folks, Knoebel's is so good for one's self-esteem.  A visit never fails to make me feel slender, well-dressed, patient and nurturing.)

Kids misbehave, and they do it in public.  It's embarrassing, but if you're doing your best, other moms are likely to sympathize.  However, I don't feel sorry for you when you are yelling at your child for BEING A CHILD.

I am 30 years old and I still get cranky when I am hungry, tired, or ignored.  Why would a child be different?  That little girl was not misbehaving, she was simply acting as a little girl should.  If taking her to the mall is too much for you, don't take her to the mall.  There is space to run and things to see and if she is mutely standing by your side the whole time she is not a normal 3-year-old. 

This toddlerhood stage can be so frustrating, but I  keep reminding myself (and sometimes others), that he is not being bad, he is being a toddler.  It is our job to teach him the right way, not to assume that he already knows it.  It's frustrating, but it's also magical to see the world through his eyes, and just let him be a kid.

Free and cheap activities for young toddlers

I've been scouring the web lately looking for activity ideas for my 17-month old.  Unfortunately most ideas are either too advanced or really not worth mentioning (going for a walk? Reading books? Oh...I hadn't thought of that!)

So, I thought I'd post a few of the activities we have come up with, most of which involve trash, so they're free.  Really, things you would normally throw away are so much fun to a 17-month old.

I've been on an online shopping kick recently.  That's not free of course, but we have created a fort...

We've also made use of the packing paper as craft paper.  Mostly B likes to dump the crayons out and then put them back in the box, but he scribbled a little.

Finally, the packing peanuts provided some great fill-and-dump fun.  This one requires close supervision if your toddler still wants to put everything in his mouth.

I created a "pom-pom-stuff-it-in" from an idea I found on Money Saving Mom.  I was surprised at how quickly B figured out what to do, and how many times in a row he would do it.  It works well when I want to entertain him in his high chair for a little longer while I make dinner.

B also spends quite a bit of time playing in his kitchen drawer.  It's filled with empty containers, plastic cups, a pot, etc.  He really likes to stir as well as "drink" from cups.

And, finally, what is perhaps B's favorite toy right now... a bowl full of plastic Easter eggs.  He stirs them, he opens them, he dumps them out, and he uses a large spoon to transfer them from one bowl to another, which I figure is great motor skill practice (after all, using a spoon without dumping its contents can be pretty tricky).

What are some things your young toddler enjoys/enjoyed?  I'd love to hear some more ideas!

Mother's Day, Everyday (What's Good for Mama is Good for Everybody)

My mother-in-law seems to think that I should be making B eggs and sausage for breakfast every morning.  I know that doing so is wrong in so many ways, but I sense she thinks I'm just lazy.

It's true I don't get up in time to cook him breakfast, and he doesn't wait well when he's hungry.  On weekday mornings the alarm goes off at 6.  Usually Ray gets on the treadmill and I do a workout video for about a half-hour.  We then switch off taking showers and eating breakfast, with whoever is not in the shower getting B up when he wakes, and getting him his banana and Cheerios.

So is getting up at 6 to exercise instead of to prepare breakfast selfish?  I would be inclined to argue that taking care of myself is taking care of B.

We haven't done Mother's Day yet (Ray had to work) but I'm fairly certain that he got me a nice gift.  I appreciate it, but I don't really need gifts.  Or, I'd like gifts of the sentimental kind (hand prints, etc.)  What I really want, is just for a little while, to be pampered.  I'm not talking about the spa (although I wouldn't say no to that).  I'd just like to be cared for instead of the caregiver for a change.  I'd like to sit down on my chair at the beginning of the meal, and get up when I've finished eating.  Ah, such luxuries.

Mother's day is great, but once a year isn't enough (I know I'm extremely demanding-that probably makes me a bad mom).  Because when I can take care of myself, I'm better at taking care of everyone else.  I have more patience, I'm more physically able, and I'm setting a better example.

It's better for everybody if we put a little Mother's Day in everyday (or at least week, or month) and better for our cholesterol levels not to have eggs and sausage every morning.

Migraines and Moms

When my son was 13 days old, we had a bad day.  He peed through his diaper at least 7 times (I think we needed to move up a size).  I was exhausted.  Ray was supposed to come home from work early, and I was eagerly awaiting some assistance.  I heard his car in the garage, my spirits lifted.  And then he walked in the door and said "I don't feel well, I'm going to lay down." 

And then it hit me.  I didn't feel well either, but for the next 18 years or so, I wouldn't be taking a sick day. 

As a chronic headache sufferer, I'm used to soldiering on.  Ray gets a headache, moans and groans and has to lay down, takes 2 Advil and feels better in half an hour.  Puh-lease.  If Advil fixes it, it doesn't even count as a headache in my book.   He asked me once how I can keep doing everything when I have a headache.  The answer seemed simple, when you have frequent headaches, you can't stop everything every time you get one, so you push through for as long as you can.  When they get unbearable (and they do) you go to bed. 

That's not to say that Ray doesn't try to give me some peace when I have a headache, but he isn't here that much.  In 17 months I have once called my mom to come up and once asked that Ray come home early (which just happened to be doable that day) when my headache was at it's absolute worst.  Mostly I just muddle through, because that's my only option.  And a 17-month old doesn't understand that I need to rest.  If I lay down, he just thinks I'm a jungle gym. 

No more sick days for me.

I am the Mama!

We returned from visiting my husband's family in North Carolina yesterday, and now we're all on diets.  Ray and I because southern food really is what Paula Deen cooks, B because his grandmother clearly thinks that he is malnourished when she is not around.

Grandparents, in general, seem to have at once incredible memory and incredible amnesia.  They can be hard-pressed to believe that anything can change in 30 years, and yet not recall that they had rules and worries for their own children that they wished to have respected.  Sometimes they seem to forget who the parent is this time. The problem with in-laws is that they're not as easy to chastise as your own parents.

So B, who usually eats pretty well, chowed down on grits and sausage, fried shrimp, and banana pudding.  He also snacked often and walked around with a cookie. At a memorable moment my husband, at his mother's urging, fed him coleslaw, although I said that he didn't need any and he wouldn't like it.  And do you know what he did?  He gagged and threw up a little.  Oh wait, I was right?  I know my own child?  That's because I'm the Mama!

We also spent significant amounts of time at wholly unchildproofed homes.  Now I am not the type of mother who carries outlet covers in my purse, but I do reserve the right to become a helicopter parent in these situations.  Several people told me to "just let him go, he won't hurt anything."  I looked around; there were ceramics and glassware within easy reach, unsecured kitchen cupboards and drawers, open bathroom doors, and tables and chair to climb on.  He won't hurt anything (nor will it hurt him)?  PLEASE, I am the Mama!  I know what he will hurt!

Objectively I know that they mean well, but sometimes I just feel like shouting: "Stop telling me how to parent!  I am the Mama!"