My husband is pretty wonderful. He's a great dad and always very supportive of me. Still, he is completely clueless about why I am so conflicted about going back to work.
The thing is, I am an intelligent, educated woman. It seems a little ridiculous to have put the time and money into a master's degree only to spend my day changing diapers and playing with blocks. I do crave adult interaction at times, as well as appreciation. Appreciation not just for making dinner, but for my mind. I want to be stimulated and challenged and to feel competent!
It's important to me not to lose my identity. I want to be active in the community and not just B's mom.
On the other hand, I love my son so much. I'm certain that no one else will take care of him as well as I do. I want to make the decisions about what he eats, how he is entertained, and how he is disciplined. I want to be able to take care of him when he is sick. I want to be the first face he sees when he wakes up.
My mom is our childcare, which in many ways is great. The one way in which it is not is that other sitters would be less likely to question me about my decisions. I love how close B is to his Nana, but I am still the mom.
So I'm torn. In a day I'll flip-flop so many times. My usual indecisiveness? Perhaps, but also appreciation for what a complex decision it is.
Still confused? You must not be a mom.
If I go to Starbucks for a coffee I think, "Man, I would LOVE to work here!" If I go the the bookstore I think, "This would be such a great job!" If I go to a doctor's appt I think, "I would LOOOOVE to work at the VA and get to hang out with all of these veterans all day!" Then I realize the appeal is just adult interaction and change of scenery...and maybe doing "important" work that makes me feel like a grown up. But I know if I got a job, the grass would definitely be greener on the side I'm on now. So I just look for ways to feel fulfilled without giving up my chance to be home with my babies! Exercise definitely helps, Saturday morning dates with my husband, creative outlets, play groups, and online classes are getting me through :)
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking there will be time for work when they are a little older, but someone recently pointed out that it is great to be home with small children, but they won't remember it. They will remember though that a parent was available in middle school/high school when they were getting picked on, their best friend suddenly stopped talking to them, got dumped, or they were so sick and needed extra love and care when they stayed home from school. So I'm still not sure what the future will hold, but it will most likely not look like 21 year old me thought it would!! I agree, way more complicated than I anticipated!! It needs out-of-the-box thinking :)
Jen