So long, JoePa

My husband said to me the other night, "You know, I never met the man, I didn't even grow up in Pennsylvania, and somehow I feel like I lost a grandparent."  I suspect that many people share his emotions about Joe Paterno.  For me, it goes deeper.  My first thought upon hearing of his death, much as it had been upon hearing of his firing, was wondering how my dad was handling it.  My 63-year-old father has been cheering for Penn State, under head coach Paterno, since he graduated from high school.  I was so concerned that on Sunday night I had an anxious dream that my dad hadn't yet heard and I had to break the news to him.  Perhaps for my dad, who lost a distant father at a relatively young age, Joe Paterno, whom he also never met, was looked up to as a father-like figure.  He certainly displayed many of the traits anyone would want in a father. 

I know that some of you will wonder why I am writing about Joe.  Isn't this blog about parenting, and as a mother of a son am I not outraged at the handling of matters at Penn State?  I have no desire to argue with you.  I will only state what I have kept thinking since the scandal broke which is that he did exactly what I would have done in the same situation, and what we teach our children to do: tell a responsible person that you trust.

So, even with only tangential connections to the Paternos and Penn State, we mourn this week.  We mourn and we aspire to be more like Joe.  We strive to teach our children to be like Joe.  To have both determination and grace.  To be loyal.  To have a generous heart.  To value education.  To be humble.  To love.

In an interview, Jay Paterno said that his dad's parenting style was always to be a father first, not a friend, even when the lessons were hard.  Joe believed that when his children were adults they would be friends, armed with the many lessons he had taught them to sustain them throughout their lives. Jay stated that for him this is true, his father has given him the armor he needs to make it through the battles of life.  Yet, you could always see the love and compassion in his interactions with his children, as with his team.  Discipline with love.  Success with honor.  As parents and as people, may we all be more like Joe.

To work or not to work #2: Stay-at-home dads

Fortune magazine recently published an article about female CEOs and their stay-at-home husbands.  The idea is basically that a family cannot be successful with two parents in high pressure jobs, so if women want to succeed, they need men who will support them at home. 

There has never been much of a decision for us, because my husband has far greater earning potential than I do.  Even if he didn't, I'm not sure he'd consider the role.  He can be completely clueless about the guilt and challenges women face regardless of their employment situation.

In fantasy, I've been thinking about how different things would be if he was the one to stay home (or work part-time) and here are some of the changes I imagine:

1. Before he could say Mama or Dada, Benjamin would say Mike (and Mike).
2. Benjamin would go to the grocery store in his pajamas.  And for walks in his pajamas.  And to Lowe's, even when we didn't particularly need anything but just for a field trip, in his pajamas.
3. The floors would be spotless, while there was an inch of dust on the furniture.
4. We would spend at least twice as much on groceries.  And we would make three times as many trips to the grocery store.
5. We would eat more red meat.  In fact, we would eat meatloaf at least once a week.
6. There would be less reading and singing, and more fort-building.
7.  Schedule schmedule.

I know there are many more... How would things be different at your house if Dad was the one at home?

Snow day

I have always loved snowy days.  There's a certain peacefulness that comes from a new blanket of white that inspires one to curl up with a favorite book, movie, or person, and just enjoy the day.  Even working I enjoyed the occasional snowy day.  While days off were rare, there was still an easing of standards on such days.  Lateness was excusable, dressing down was expected, and I might grab an extra cup of coffee and take a few extra minutes to chat with co-workers about their drives. 

So this morning I was pleased to see snow.  But try as I might, I couldn't come up with a reason why less than an inch of snow should keep me from vacuuming.  Or anything else on my to-do list.  In short, snow makes absolutely no difference to my day now.  The only thing it might do is keep me away from the distractions (playdates, errands) that get us out of the house and keep me sane. 

And I know that in years to come snow days will mean children home from school to entertain or find care for, activities to be rescheduled, and wet clothes lying around the foyer.  It may be that my love for snowy days is over.

To work or not to work

Before I became a mom, I worked in college financial aid.  It was a job that I didn't love, nor did I hate (well, not most days).  When I found out that I was expecting Benjamin, I knew that I didn't want to continue working full-time in a position that I didn't find to be challenging or fulfilling while someone else spent that time with my child.  I also didn't think that I wanted to spend everyday alone with an infant.  What I really wanted was to work part-time.  To my employer this option was a no-go.  I had to work full-time or not at all.

After a year at home with my son my view has not changed.  I like being the one who is responsible for discipline, for choosing what food he eats, for comforting him when he falls, for reading, and playing, and learning. It is still true, however, that long days without adult interaction, battling wills with a toddler, now, can be lonely and mind-numbing.

So when I saw this study: http://www.babycenter.com/204_working-moms-happier-healthier-than-sahms-says-study_10360752.bc I thought, "well duh."  While I know that no mom, no matter what her employment situation, is perfectly happy, free of guilt and worry, it's obvious to me that part-time work is a great option. Still, it's nice to have research to back it up.

And yet, part-time job opportunities for professionals seem difficult to find.  Employers seem to only want you all, so women choosing to spend more time with family are left with nothing.  Because as much as we love our children, they do not give us the same validation that we get professionally.  And as I discussed in a previous post, taking time away can make us better parents. 

I hope that you are happy with your employment choice.  I also hope that employers will see the talented (and inexpensive-hello, no benefits!) pool that is being left untapped and will offer more work options to make us all happier.

Looking good

Please don't hate me. The truth is, I had no trouble losing weight after having Benjamin. In fact, I weigh less now than I did before pregnancy. I think this has at least something to do with good genes (I also got fat toes, spider veins, and PCOS from my Mom, so let me at least have this one thing!) I'll also say that I kept a healthy diet and walked often during pregnancy. 

Since giving birth, I have only one secret. They'll tell you that breast milk is the best for your baby.  They'll tell you that it's free.  They'll tell you that you decrease your risk of certain kinds of cancer while providing antibodies that keep your baby from getting sick.  They'll tell you that it's a great way to bond with your baby. Yeah, yeah.  Here's the real reason you should breastfeed.  WEIGHT LOSS.  (I'm totally, ok, partly kidding.  You should do it for all of the reasons.  The weight loss is a nice perk though!)

So it's true that I've lost weight, but not that much, really.  Still, I have never gotten so many compliments on how I look as in the last year.  As recently as Christmas (over a year after giving birth) I was told how good I look.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  It just seems to me that the bar is very low for new moms.  Maybe it's because other women realize that we need a self-esteem boost.  Maybe it is because I actually have one gene (just that one) that makes other women jealous.  Either way, I'll take it.  And now that Benjamin is down to just a nighttime nursing, I'll work harder to keep the weight off.  Keep the compliments coming!

Accomplishments

Yesterday the greeter at Lowe's asked me how old Benjamin was.  He told me that he has a five-month old daughter, and wondered if they get more "fun."  I'm guilty of sometimes wishing the time away too.  As much as I wanted him always to be a baby, I also have been looking forward to when he got "fun." I eagerly wait for the day when we can play games, and do crafts, and go do things together.  What parent doesn't yearn for sleeping through the night or independence?

Since his first birthday, I've been reflecting more on how quickly things change, and how each stage brings both assets and challenges.  Now I look back fondly on the times he would sleep snuggled up on me and I could fix everything with a breast.  Some discoveries and accomplishments make me proud and some just frustrate me. I was proud when he could feed himself but frustrated when he started throwing food on the floor.  I was proud when he could walk but terrified when he opened the door to the basement by himself!  I was proud when he could play in the tub but disgusted when he discovered that he could also play in the toilet!

I think we all, parents or not, sometimes need a reminder to slow down and enjoy life as it is right now.  Laugh at the mess and try to see the world as a toddler does: one giant playground to be explored. Changes will happen for better and for worse, but we'll never live this particular day again.

Role reversal/ Absence makes the heart grow fonder

This past Monday, Ray took Benjamin to my parents' to watch Penn State's bowl game.  I was home alone for 5 hours. This was only the 4th time that I've been home alone since B was born, and previously the longest time was about an hour.  It. was. wonderful.  I was under strict orders to relax and I did.  I took a long bath, then I finished my book, then I took a nap. 

On Monday night, B and I had a lot of fun together. Often when we're playing I'm distracted, but that night I was completely into it, goofing around and really enjoying it.  I mentioned this to Ray and he pointed out that we had switched places for the day.  Most days, I am with Benjamin all day while Ray is at work, and I'm ready for a break while Ray is eager to spend time with his son.  I sometimes feel that Ray is the "fun" parent, because the two of them seem to horse around and giggle more often.  I now realize that it's easy to be fun for just an hour or two, and taking some time off does make me a better parent. When I miss him, I'm able to put my whole self into our time together. Day in and day out it's easy to get caught up in the all of the things that need to be done and forget to just enjoy it.

Does this revelation mean I'm going to stop feeling guilty about taking time to myself?  Probably not, but at least now I know that I can be fun sometimes too.

A word about the title

When my husband was doing his fellowship in North Carolina, before we had children, I belonged to a resident spouse group.  Most of the group's members had children and were full-time moms.  They were the type of moms who couldn't go out to dinner without their children (even while the father watched them).  They were the type of moms whose e-mail addresses are "aidansmom@hotmail.com."  They were the type of moms who, when asked what they did for fun, answered "babies."  I vowed never to become one of these women.

I'll admit that once I became a mother, it was a little easier said than done.  There is the feeling that no one (not even or especially Dad) will do it as well you.  There is the guilt at ever taking time for yourself.  There is, especially for full-time moms, the temptation to define yourself by your children, as you might have defined yourself by your employment in the past.  My goal continues to be that my child, while a hugely important part of my life, is not the only thing in my life.  I am a reader, singer, wife, MBA, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, pianist, granddaughter, cook, member, aunt, organ donor... and mom.