Don't Ignore Infertility

Moms, if you're like me, you love to talk about your kids.  Heck, that's what this blog is about, right?  Your frustrations, their accomplishments, the adorable things they've said and done; you want people to know.

Here's what you may not realize if you've never struggled with infertility: every mention of your kids can feel like a dagger in the heart of those who desperately want children.  I know; I've been there.  I had to take a Facebook hiatus, because I just couldn't deal with it.  Should you stop talking about your kids?  Of course not.  I just want to remind you today, in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, to remember that it's not so easy for everyone. 

We were lucky in that my diagnosis (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS) was clear cut, and so it took just a few rounds of treatment before we conceived our beautiful baby boy.  Still, I know the desperation, the sadness, the pain of watching others around you, in all stations in life, bearing children, while you are seemingly unable to do so.  Well meaning strangers and friends alike ask you when you're planning to have children and you to try to casually deflect the question while inside you're screaming.  You're envious of everything from morning sickness to meconium, if it will make you a mother. 

Enjoy your children.  Talk about them.  Just don't ignore infertility.  And if you know someone who is struggling with infertility (and chances are that you do) please take a few minutes to read this great article from RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association.

Here are some other resources from RESOLVE if you're interested in learning more:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

The toddler diet

Oh, the toddler diet.  So narrow, so unpredictable.  I used to gobble up sweet potatoes, now I spit them out.  It can drive a well meaning parent batty.

I am not a health nut or a dietician. And yet, I was determined not to let my child exist on Goldfish crackers and juice, as so many toddlers do.  So far I've succeeded.  That's not to say that he doesn't have a limited palate.  I feel as though he eats the same thing all of the time, but at least that thing is relatively healthy.  He may yet go on a fruit and vegetable strike, but so far here are some of the tricks that worked for me.


1. Order of presentation matters.  He won't eat the vegetables if the bread and cheese is present.  But if he's hungry and vegetables are the only thing on his tray, in they go. Normally this one is a problem at restaurants where they bring everything together, but last time we ate out, I asked that they bring the broccoli first, and he ate it all. 

2. Delivery method matters.  Some kids will eat baby food vegetables but not real ones, for a little while, that's ok.  Those blends in the pouches are great: they don't taste like veggies, and he thinks they're fun to eat.  Lately he's been all about using utensils, so if he can stab it or eat it off of a spoon (with assistance) he's much more likely to eat it. 

3. Liquids matter.  Toddlers don't need juice.  They're perfectly capable of drinking water.  It's better for their teeth, decreases the risk of obesity, and establishes good lifelong habits.  

4. Choices matter.  He's been eating a lot of carrots and peas lately.  I do wish he would branch out a bit, and I keep offering him new things, but if he will get his recommended serving of vegetables in carrots and peas I'm going to let him. 

5.  Your perspective matters. Toddlers don't pick toddler foods, their parents do.  I know at some point the world (ahem, Nana) is going to catch up to me on this one, but for now I make the food choices.  He eats whole grain bread, with crust.  He eats real cheese (vs. processed).  He drinks water.  Cookies and cheese crackers are treats, not staples. Within reason, he eats what we're eating.  He is also welcome to eat things that I don't like, and I'm not going to try to influence his perception. 


I realize that by writing this post I'm probably inviting food issues.  I promise that I will keep trying, though, and not resort to chicken nuggets and french fries as a daily meal. 

What tips and tricks have you discovered for getting your child to eat healthy?

Baby must-haves

A college friend who is expecting her first child posted on Facebook today asking for advice on baby gear.  When I was pregnant, I too was seeking all of the advice that I could get on this topic, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to write about my favorite baby things.  As always, I am not an expert.  The following are based on my experiences only.

Baby must-haves

1. My absolute number 1 baby item is the HALO sleepsack swaddle.  B slept SO much better when swaddled, and this clever design kept him warm and was much harder to Houdini out of than a blanket (plus those get too small FAST.)  The sizing is generous, so I would definitely start with a newborn, in fleece or cotton depending on when your baby is due.  Actually I would recommend getting two, so that one can be in the wash, but you may want to start with one to be sure that you like it. 

2.  My second favorite baby item was B's Jumperoo.  This item is for the 4-8 months time frame, but during that time it was invaluable for keep him contained and entertained so that I could get things done.

The remainder of the list is in no particular order

3. Bouncy seat or similar.  We had a bouncy seat and not a swing (I felt they were redundant).  The bouncy seat had the advantage of being easy to carry around the house.  I wouldn't say he loved it, but a place to keep him safe as a newborn is important.

4. You can never have enough bibs, washcloths, and burp cloths. They get dirty quickly.  We now use washcloths to clean up before and after eating, so I prefer the thinner ones for getting between little fingers.  For bibs go with the Carter's teething bibs or something similar. These bibs have plastic between the two fabric sides.  If you have a real droller he'll soak through an all-fabric bib in a matter of minutes.

5. Diapers: a no-brainer, but I would not get a ton.  It seems like different kids do better in different brands, so you'll have to experiment to see which works best for you.  When you decide, try using Amazon's subscribe and save.  Also, I write from the perspective of someone whose child was 8 lb 7 oz at birth, but you may not need many in the newborn size.  We also cloth diaper, which I'm happy to answer questions about, but I do recommend using disposables for the first few weeks anyway.

6. Travel system.  The hospital won't let you leave without a new (they have expiration dates) infant car seat.  The kind that comes out of the base and then snaps right into the stroller makes things so much easier.   We loved our Chicco Cortina.  You can get this system with a car seat that is rated up to 30 lbs (v. 22) but it still has a maximum length of 30 inches.  If you have a long child the extra expense is not worth it.

7. Playard.  We got the Graco with a "newborn napper" and used it as a bassinet while B slept in our room (the first four months).  It was the perfect height. I feel obliged to tell you that the bassinet top does not meet the AAP's guidelines for safe sleep as it is not perfectly flat nor perfectly firm.  I was pretty uptight about these guidelines, but in this case feel like they're a little over the top.  That's your decision.  If you have generous friends, you may want to consider registering for 2 playards.  Since B hasn't gotten active we've purchased a second so that we have one on each floor.

8. Clothing.  Until baby's belly button falls off it seems most practical to keep him in one piece outfits.  Stock up on sleepers and rompers, wait on the cute little outfits.  With rompers you'll need socks, I find this kind ($1/pair in stores) to stay on the best. If it's cold, you might want to layer, side-snap t-shirts are the easiest and again don't fit tightly against the umbilical cord stump.  Carter's are the best; you can go ahead and stock up on bodysuits (commonly called Onesies but technically that is a brand name made by Gerber- they run very small) in larger sizes.

9. Healthcare items.  One of the best gifts I got, that I didn't register for, was a tub full of healthcare items (it's nice to have pediatrician friends).  Some of the items were: a rectal thermometer (yes, that's the kind you're supposed to use), infants' acetaminophin (it says 2-3 years, but that's the right one), infants' ibuprofen (but you can't use this until 6 months of age), vitamins, and a tub of Triple Paste.  I also recommend Vaseline for a boy (circumcision care), rubbing alcohol wipes, safety swabs, and a comb and a brush (and a bowl full of mush).

If you're planning on breast-feeding (and I hope you are!)

1. A Boppy with an extra cover.  In addition to saving your arms during nursing, your baby can lie in it (supervised-soft pillows are a SIDS risk).  Again, we ended up with 2 of these- one for upstairs and one for downstairs.

2. A breast pump.  I have this Medela.  They're expensive, so if you can rent or borrow, go ahead.  You should be able to get new tubing from your hospital.

3. Bottles.  I know this one seems counter-intuitive, but give yourself a break and start having your partner give your child a bottle after nursing is established (2-4 weeks).  If not, you'll end up with a child who won't take the bottle and you'll be on a short leash.  This is another one where you'll need to determine your child's preference, so don't buy too many of any one kind.

4. Lanolin and nursing pads.  For your own comfort.

5. Nursing camis.  It may be difficult to buy nursing bras while you're unsure what your size will be (although you may want to try).  Luckily a soft cami will go well with your momiform .


We didn't have:

-A diaper pail. Well, we do for cloth, but for disposables we just use a regular trash can with a lid.
-A playmat/gym.  We used blankets.  And toys.
-A wipe warmer.  Really?  You're still using cold wipes when you're away from the changing table.
-A Bumbo.
- A video monitor.  But I kind of wish we did. 


A few other random tips:

If you're a knowledge-junkie like me, try Heading Home with Your Newborn or Baby 411. Both are easy to read and informative without being preachy.

You will probably get a lot of toys, books, blankets, hooded towels, and 3-6 month clothes whether or not you register for them.  You shouldn't need more than one pack of receiving blankets anyway.  You may want to hold off on buying these things.

I didn't love the Baby Bjorn.  Not because he was dangling, but because at 4 months and 16 lbs he was already a back-breaker.  I think I'm going to try an Ergo next time.

Pacifiers are another item that is up to your baby's preference, so don't buy too many of any one kind until you know what he likes/if he likes them at all.  B and many of my friends' babies preferred the Avent kind that they use in the hospital, not the traditional Binky.

And for you, Mom.  For a vaginal delivery, I recommend stocking up on Tucks and maxi pads (the fat old-fashioned kind).  Also, take home as many of the ice-pack-maxi-pads from the hospital as you can.  I know it sounds strange, but trust me, you will come to think of them as friends.  Finally, regardless of delivery method, you will want quick and easy meals.  Stock your freezer, and don't be afraid to suggest that friends bring you dinner if they ask what you need. 

This list is way too long, and there is grunting coming from the nursery (oh, joy).  What are your favorite/least favorite baby items? 

Holiday traditions and the sometimes single mom

My husband has a good job.  He enjoys what he does, and he earns enough that I am able to stay home with B.  I'm grateful for that.  Unfortunately, he also works weekends, holidays, and otherwise unpredictable hours.

I certainly knew this before we had kids.  I anticipated the nights alone and the 12-day-stretches.  What I didn't think about was the impossibility of having regular family traditions when one parent may or may not be available.

There are some things that I can't do alone (cutting down the Christmas tree) and others that I simply don't want to (having breakfast with the Easter Bunny).  This past year we rushed through the Christmas morning gift opening so that Daddy could get to work.

Living back here I do have other friends and family with whom I can celebrate, for which I am grateful.  The Christmas that we spent in North Carolina I sat in church by myself on Christmas Eve and cried.  Holidays are the worst time to be lonely.

Obviously we do what we can.  We get the tree another day.  B and I head to breakfast by ourselves or include other family or friends.  We're just in the formative stages of family traditions, anyway.  Still, it doesn't feel right that family traditions may or may include Daddy.  I feel bad for him for missing them, and bad for B and I for missing him.  Things get overlooked or adjusted.  It's not the same.

I know I should be grateful for Ray's presence in my life, and B's, and I am.  But traditions are important to me, and I'm striving to make them meaningful as well as fun.

I know I'm not the only one in this situation.  How do you form family traditions in your hectic lives?

This IS my job

Last week I was offered a job.  It was 20 hours a week, and very flexible.  It seemed like a great place to work, and great people with whom to work.  It was less than 5 minutes from the house.  It sounded perfect.

I didn't take it. 

It was a hard decision.  I strung them along for some time, which I feel badly about.  It did sound perfect, so logically I thought I should want it.  It didn't feel perfect though.

I "went with my gut," and feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I know there will be times (probably this week, maybe even today) when I think that I should have taken it, because it would be something different.  But then there will be times when B is sitting in my lap, or chattering in earnest to me, or exploring the playground, when I know that it was the right decision. 

So for all of my whining about there not being opportunities to work part-time, I guess I really just wanted to be a full-time mom after all.  I plan to embrace it.

That doesn't mean there may not come a day in the future when I find a job that does feel right, but for now I'm putting everything I can into this job (and it is a job).  My boardroom will be the playground, and my employees one smiling, furniture climbing, belly-slapping boy.  My co-workers, as always, will be all mothers, all giving 110% to this most important job.  There will never be a lunch hour or a quitting time, but the remuneration will make every long hour worth it.

This IS my job, and I'll take it. 

Mommy guilt for dummies

My husband is pretty wonderful.  He's a great dad and always very supportive of me.  Still, he is completely clueless about why I am so conflicted about going back to work. 

The thing is, I am an intelligent, educated woman.  It seems a little ridiculous to have put the time and money into a master's degree only to spend my day changing diapers and playing with blocks.  I do crave adult interaction at times, as well as appreciation.  Appreciation not just for making dinner, but for my mind.  I want to be stimulated and challenged and to feel competent!

It's important to me not to lose my identity.  I want to be active in the community and not just B's mom.

On the other hand, I love my son so much.  I'm certain that no one else will take care of him as well as I do.  I want to make the decisions about what he eats, how he is entertained, and how he is disciplined.  I want to be able to take care of him when he is sick.  I want to be the first face he sees when he wakes up. 

My mom is our childcare, which in many ways is great.  The one way in which it is not is that other sitters would be less likely to question me about my decisions.  I love how close B is to his Nana, but I am still the mom.

So I'm torn.  In a day I'll flip-flop so many times.  My usual indecisiveness?  Perhaps, but also appreciation for what a complex decision it is. 

Still confused? You must not be a mom.

Bye-bye, boobie

On Saturday, B will be 15 months old.  That is the date I have set to stop breastfeeding.

It's time.  It's no longer as enjoyable for either of us as it once was.  I'm looking forward to enjoying wine with dinner again! And I am so over pumping.

Still, it's a big milestone.

I never saw myself Extended Breastfeeding (EBF).  I always said that it stopped with the first birthday cake.  But here's the thing: I loved it.  He loved it.  What's not to love?

First and perhaps most importantly, breastfeeding is an incredible bonding activity.  Your baby's skin is next to yours, and first the first 6 months, you are providing all of the nutrition that your baby needs.  That's amazing, right?  This time is incredibly soothing for your child.  It can calm him, put him to sleep, and fill his belly.

Although we're winding down, I was really glad that I was still breastfeeding this past weekend when B was sick.  He was absolutely miserable and nothing seemed to soothe him, but nursing still did the trick.

Of course, it's also free and so convenient.  Nothing to buy, no bottles and coolers to carry; the food is always available.

Besides being soothing, breastfeeding provides your baby with antibodies that aren't found in formula. These antibodies lower your child's risk of SIDS, ear infections, stomach viruses and respiratory infections, asthma, diabetes, obesity, and childhood leukemia! (http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/breastfeeding.cfm#a)

As if that's not enough, breastfeeding can also lower mom's risk of diabetes, breast and ovarian cancer, and postpartum depression.  Plus it helps you lose weight! I know I've joked before about weight loss being the main reason to breastfeed.  You know what?  It doesn't matter if it is.  No matter what your primary motivation, your baby is still getting all of the benefits!


So while it's time to move on, I'm sad to stop breastfeeding too.  We were a great team.  We had so many special moments with him curled up against my chest.  Sure, there were moments when I felt chained to the house or to the pump, but they were a small price to pay for all of the benefits for both of us.

Bye-bye, boobies.